Skills include, but are not limited to:
Waking up at 7:00 AM
Refilling copy paper (with the whole sheath…not just the amount I need, Patrice!)
Strategically placing pumpkins and fake autumnal leaves around the office
Placing creepy sad scarecrow next to the copier so you can really take stock of your life multiple times a day
Turning comedians’ 5-minute funny jokes into 2-minute funny jokes for promotional use
Taping receipts to copy paper
Multi-tasking: listening to podcasts while highlighting paperwork
Cutting out credentials
Folding credentials
Inserting credentials into badges
Attaching lanyards to credentials
Fetching hard drives from the vault
Returning hard drives to the vault
Drag and drop
Pouring coffee into mugs
Pouring coffee into cups
Unlocking doors
Loading staples into stapler
Cleaning out the 3-hole-puncher
Calling mail room for copy paper
Ordering gift baskets
Decoding cryptic emails
Packing large amounts of equipment into a Prius
Going through highlighters at top speed
Going through paper clips at top speed
Driving to Netflix
Knowing the task won’t take that long, so there’s no reason to be freaking out Patrice!
Killing trees by making 40 copies of a 20-page document
Finding work when I’ve done everything on my to-do list
Then looking busy when there’s absolutely nothing left to do
Writing pointless blogs
Having 40 tabs and windows open at one time
Retrieving mileage forms
Retrieving time cards
Buying office candy
Eating office candy
Bubble wrapping hard drives
Delivering packages to mail room
Driving to CAA
Starting projects then stopping them halfway through when the project is canceled
Putting things into storage
Retrieving things from storage
Taking pictures of box sets
Typing name signs
Laminating name signs
Calling people with little to no information on why I’m calling them
Calling people via office phone even though the numbers are mostly rubbed off
Counting media cards
Making labels
Checking into flights
Buying gaff tape
Sourcing foam core
Drinking La Croix
Spelling my name over the phone (T-as-in-tango, A-L-L-I)
Pretending to be okay when the order is not under Talli, but rather Cry
Ignoring Mom’s texts about whether everything’s going okay
Telling myself I’m going to write after work but then just watching Gilmore Girls
Eating pizza for every meal
Telling myself I’m going to clean over the weekend but then just watching Gilmore Girls
Eating rocky road ice cream every night
Telling myself I’m going to go to the gym but then just watching Gilmore Girls
Wearing clothes more than once between washes
Watching Gilmore Girls
Musing on whether the end of the world can be delayed until after the new season of Gilmore Girls
Convincing people my life is more than just Gilmore Girls
Re-reading Harry Potter
Not reading the other three books in my rotation
Curling up in bed
Thinking all the thoughts before finally succumbing to sleep
Waking up at 7:00 AM