SEEKING: JOB THAT PAYS MORE THAN MINIMUM WAGE AND/OR PROVIDES LUNCH

Skills include, but are not limited to:

Waking up at 7:00 AM

Refilling copy paper (with the whole sheath…not just the amount I need, Patrice!)

Strategically placing pumpkins and fake autumnal leaves around the office

Placing creepy sad scarecrow next to the copier so you can really take stock of your life multiple times a day

Turning comedians’ 5-minute funny jokes into 2-minute funny jokes for promotional use

Taping receipts to copy paper

Multi-tasking: listening to podcasts while highlighting paperwork

Cutting out credentials

Folding credentials

Inserting credentials into badges

Attaching lanyards to credentials

Fetching hard drives from the vault

Returning hard drives to the vault

Drag and drop

Pouring coffee into mugs

Pouring coffee into cups

Unlocking doors

Loading staples into stapler

Cleaning out the 3-hole-puncher

Calling mail room for copy paper

Ordering gift baskets

Decoding cryptic emails

Packing large amounts of equipment into a Prius

Going through highlighters at top speed

Going through paper clips at top speed

Driving to Netflix

Knowing the task won’t take that long, so there’s no reason to be freaking out Patrice!

Killing trees by making 40 copies of a 20-page document

Finding work when I’ve done everything on my to-do list

Then looking busy when there’s absolutely nothing left to do

Writing pointless blogs

Having 40 tabs and windows open at one time

Retrieving mileage forms

Retrieving time cards

Buying office candy

Eating office candy

Bubble wrapping hard drives

Delivering packages to mail room

Driving to CAA

Starting projects then stopping them halfway through when the project is canceled

Putting things into storage

Retrieving things from storage

Taking pictures of box sets

Typing name signs

Laminating name signs

Calling people with little to no information on why I’m calling them

Calling people via office phone even though the numbers are mostly rubbed off

Counting media cards

Making labels

Checking into flights

Buying gaff tape

Sourcing foam core

Drinking La Croix

Spelling my name over the phone (T-as-in-tango, A-L-L-I)

Pretending to be okay when the order is not under Talli, but rather Cry

Ignoring Mom’s texts about whether everything’s going okay

Telling myself I’m going to write after work but then just watching Gilmore Girls

Eating pizza for every meal

Telling myself I’m going to clean over the weekend but then just watching Gilmore Girls

Eating rocky road ice cream every night

Telling myself I’m going to go to the gym but then just watching Gilmore Girls

Wearing clothes more than once between washes

Watching Gilmore Girls

Musing on whether the end of the world can be delayed until after the new season of Gilmore Girls

Convincing people my life is more than just Gilmore Girls

Re-reading Harry Potter

Not reading the other three books in my rotation

Curling up in bed

Thinking all the thoughts before finally succumbing to sleep

Waking up at 7:00 AM

robin-crying-drunk-under-desk

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